hello hello dead blog,
i've missed you, i just didnt want to write coz i'd bore you with my same old stories. the Os are finally over and im gonna miss school so damn much. A lot has happened, I'm going back on sunday. Cant wait, I'm gonna enjoy myself fully.

Things have changed, i still miss you , i'm still stuck here.

love,
pansy
jotted down by pikaidiota- on 8:48 AM

Hey blog,
I was just checking my mail and accidently clicked the starred items. There I found everything I'd rather forget now. My lost love.

I know it has been over 2years since i started writing about him. The him who left me, the him who's happy now, the him i'm in love with. I don't like to use this word but honestly, he's the only guy i've ever nearly,almost or had fallen in love with.

The chat logs reminded me of the reasons why he's still the only guy after all he's done to me. He understood me, made me laugh, made me miss him unconciously and he was everything. I just realised it too late. I wish i had the chance to tell him what i feel about him because he's the only guy i think is worth it to tell.

Then i came across some of the chatlogs with my friend that fell in love with me.According to him. I told him I wasn't ready, he said he'd wait, so i siad what if after all those waiting, I still cant like you, he said he'd make me like him. He said he was so in lvoe with me that he feel as if he's gonna feel this forever. Relax my friend, i told you then too, forever is such a big word. And now you're happily taken by someone else. :)

And this other guy who used to go head over heels for me. Saying the same old story of him waiting for me until im ready and blah blah. Guys have too much drama going on. Somehow i knew from the start that they aint worth it. If they were they would be still in love with me now, like they told me. I'm not sad because they fell out of love with me but because they took away alll the hope and faith i had. My beliefs of me being someone worth fighting for and all. I'm still young, i'll meet more people. It didn't break me apart.

Thinking about them and their confessions to me, i came to think about how much i think about him every single day. Until now, I can't forget him. We were never together, he never told me he loved me, We were friends, i didnt know i was in love with him until a while ago. Love develops so unexpectedly that it surprises me. All along i believed that if i meet someone who treats me better than him, i'd forget this vague memory and get over this heartache, but i was wrong. Way wrong. Let the world tell me how stupid i am for thinking about him, but my heart won't change. My heart has always been there waiting for me to speak for it. I never did, I was always too late.

So long lost love, i have a feeling we are never going to be together.

For now, it's still you, like it has always been, I'm trying to replace you but you can't force a heart.

I hpe you well and your girlfriend too. be happy, i'm trying to be less of a loser by lessening the amount of things i tell people about you although everything still reminds me of you.

You never knew, i loved you, i still do.

This young love, this young heartache aint gonna break me.

i miss you,

till we meet again love,
pansy(:
jotted down by pikaidiota- on 6:05 AM

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Hello Blog,

I haven’t updated in a while. Many things have been happening and I’m learning to let go. I try to spend most of my time on studying and other times just sleeping, ignoring the world. I feel quite down lately and I miss you blog. I want to say some things.

I like being alone, the silence and the imaginations it brings. But you know what? My biggest fear is loneliness, ironically. I believe it, face book says it. Even my mom says it. No one wants to be alone, come on. I don’t know how many people feel like me but I feel suffocated most of the time. Especially away from people that actually care for me. I feel like there’s no one to turn to but myself. Like I’m all I can count on at the end of the day. It’s not like I can’t survive on my own, but it’s just, sometimes it gets lonely, real lonely.

Every single day, I joke around, laughing and thinking positive of everything. I fool around a lot because there’s no point being depressed. And I think, people expect me to always be happy and stupid. I’ve realised somethings lately. I let a lot of people take advantage of me and I don’t even mind it. They do it because I let them. Sometimes I wonder If I’ll ever get a sincere thank you from anyone someday for whatever I’ve done for them. For everything I’ve done, I did them whole-heartedly, and willingly because I want to. If I don’t want to, I just don’t, as simple as that. I’m very nice to people I care for and those mostly are the ones that hurts me the most.

It’s kind of sad to realise how lost I feel sometimes and there’s no one to blame but myself. I let people take me for granted and I stupidly let them do whatever they want. I’m a happy person, I’d rather let people win than see them disappointed or mad. My big big mistake. We can’t always be nice. I ‘ve realised why there are such words like ‘selfish’. It’s because, we all are, in one way or another. I’m letting people take me for granted sometimes knowingly because I just don’t want anything to mess up my day. But you know what, doing that makes it worse. I have this selfless urge to follow peoples’ wants. And some people actually expect me to do it. It’s like, because I’m being oh so cheerful everyday, goofing around, they find it hard to accept me seriously with some form of respect. I can’t stand it but you know what no one gives a damn. And that’s why I’m blaming myself for it.

No one really takes in account of what I want because I never say it. Even if I did, I’m left in ignorance, so I tend to just keep quiet and go with the flow. Wrong again. I’m getting tired of writing this emotional outbreak letter to myself to remind me of what kind of loser I’m becoming for complaining so much.

Life’s like this pansy, it has always been, accept it. I will and I am, accepting it as it is. But sometimes, just sometimes, I want to be certain of what I mean to people and get respect in return. I’m talking about finding people that’ll get me. Who’d do the same for me as I do for them. Who don’t make fun of me and take in account of what I want. Who’d say thank you sincerely and people who knows when I’m not myself sometimes and feels like the world is crushing under my feet. I just want to meet people who tell me. "it's okay to be sad, you don't always have to be happy."

I just don’t want to end up alone forever, I want to meet somebody who makes me feel alive again. Somebody who’ll remind me that I’m worth fighting for and that I don’t have to loose hope in everything. Somebody who’ll join my quest to discover the beauty of life in the simplest ways, defining every little moment and cherishing them.

I think I should stop now, I can go on forever though, I’m a word person. I’m bullshitting here and tomorrow, I’m going to be goofy again. I want to grow out of this phase where I’m stuck wondering why people wouldn’t do the same for me, after all I’ve done for them. It’s kind of sad, but I got to live with, life’s like that. Always have, always will.

Good night bittersweet world,

I feel so lost.

Till Then,

Pansy(:

jotted down by pikaidiota- on 8:32 AM

i want something random,

indescribable, beautiful, unexpected.

i want to be caught off guard,

and swept impossibly too high off my feet.

you aren't any of those.

you aren't good for me.

so i'm letting you go.

for good.

jotted down by pikaidiota- on 7:46 AM

jotted down by pikaidiota- on 8:41 AM

Somehow i can't post youtube videos now. But found a song that says everything everything i want ot say to you. Don't worrry im still trying to forget you.
here's the song. btw, please go check it out on youtube sometimes, the girl from UK composed and sang it, great vocals,, beautiful lyrics.


jotted down by pikaidiota- on 11:46 AM

Today i flunked my amaths paper two. but it's okay, ms pow said so herself. :D
and only f&n left, so i can relax for a bit and as if i havent been. im too kind on myself, i should really study more if i want to score for Olevels. It's not too late pansy.

Anyways, i just wanted to write something. Don't worry, it's about him. well not all about him. It's just something to do with him and mainly about how the guys i've met lately have made me realise something.

On my task daily to forget about him, i try to replace him with anyone. This keeps me from talking about him apart from teh ocassional slips during conversations like "oh he always did this to me" or "i wish he was here" or "this reminds me of him" or "i wonder what he's doing" adn stuff liek that. But what i should really be thinking is that, is he here pansy? no he's not, get over it. He's never coming back. don't be such a loser pansy, really.

Some people ask me why i never get a boyfriend. Some even ask me if im even normal nto to have a single bf until this age. come on, 16 is like nothing, and there are no age stuff for relationship matters. I'll get a boyfriend when i meet someone who makes me feel different. So far i've only met one guy worthy to go out with and he's no where to be found so that's that. And others who are trying to get me, don't have the willingness to really get to know me, so i don't see a boyfriend for me comign very soon. Guys i like, well that's another story, they'll not be my boyfrd unless i ask them out so yeah no. I'm not in a hurry to get one. what's so special anyways, one person have this much problems, plus another one? No thanks yet.

But seriously sometimes, I also haev a heart that desires someone goofy and true.
Someone who might be mean to me but cares about me.
Someone who don't just leave me wandering around lost.
Someone who sees through all my smiles and laughs each days.
Someone who don't agree on everything with me but who is willing to tell me what's right if my wrong.
Someone who i can talk to about anything.
Someone who's willing to accept my flaws and love me for who i am.
Someone who may be ugly and knows that i can accept it.
Sometimes, i just really need someone to rely on..

I'm the type who'll just let everyone win just coz i don't want misunderstandings and unhappiness. I'm the always happy go lucky type that people fidn it hard to see me sad and depressed. And i personally don't like that so I don't stay that way. This one person who left me, was the only person so far who said it was okay for me to cry as well. And so im gonna stop talking about him coz he's stupid and he left me.

I don't really require so much, i think what i mentioned above is the basic that all girls will tend to want. We girls just need someone who cares and know that we're fragile and soemtimes, no matter how strong we look, we are girls afterall.

I am goign to stop writing before i start bullshitting all over.

till then,
pansy(:
jotted down by pikaidiota- on 1:08 AM