Last night i had the worst stomach ache ever. I tried to sleep around 10:30 but i struggled on my bed. There was this pain i could not bare in my stomach. It hurts so much i was i could not sleep still. I was moving all over my bed and trying to grasp something in my hand. I had to take hold of something anything so i was squeezing my blanket. I kept switching my air con on and off. It was the worst pain ever and before i realized it, it was already midnight and i still could not sleep.

I wanted to scream my head off but didn't want to wake up the father and daughter in the other room. I tried to stay calm, I even tried meditating. Nothing helped. So i decided to take pills to fall asleep. I know i know, i promised my mom i won't take anymore pills to make me fall asleep but i could not help it. I searched for it but soon i found out my mom threw all of them away. Sigh.

So i decided to ask for help. I heard some sounds from the TV so probably they(the father and daughter) would be still awake. I got out of my bed, merely standing, i walked out. I asked her if she had some kind of medicine. So she gave me some, so i took them and went back to my bed. But it still didnt work. I felt like going to the toilet every 5 minutes. Even when i was in the toilet, nothing happens. So i stopped going to the toilet and tried to endure the pain on my bed. Many thoughts came into my mind then. Stupid thoughts really. I wonder what if i died right then? It was out of the question but i really felt like it. So to get my mind off my stomach, i opened my laptop to watch some funny/romantic drama or something. Nothing helped.

So by then it was aroudn 2. Someone knocked on my door, it's either the father or the daughter, so i went to open. The daughter came to give me a bottle of warm water and told me not to drink cold water anymore. That's when i realized, i ate the wrong things. So i drank the warm water and tried to sleep again. Not long after that, the father came and asked me if i was okay and told me not to hesitate knocking on their door if anything happens. He told me to keep myself warm and drink warm water and not to eat spicy food. Suddenly i felt touched somehow.

I've been feeling this loneliness lately like i have no one to depend on if anything happens. I'm 15 and i live on my own. I've been doing tht since i was 14. I have to say i'm quite fine living on my own, doing grocery shopping,paying bills and just staying in this whole HDB alone. The father and daughter leaves the house around 9 in the morning and only gets home aroudn 11 at night which means im on my own. The loneliness makes me talk to myself in my mind of course. I kept on dailing my mom and dad's numbers on my phone. I want to talk to them i miss them. I miss the annoying little things my lil sisters do to me. And the irritating little brother whom i wished i hated but i love. I miss them.

My mom goes on and on about how i should be this and that and that i should study more and blah blah, You know moms. But without her, with all this freedom i have to do anything i want, i feel like doing nothing. I feel guilty when i'm going to do something that my mom probably don't like. By far she's the most important person to me, and i don't want to disappoint her anymore.

And then there's my dad. I'm not that close to him. He don't know me like my mom knows me. That's quite obvious as girls usually tend to be closer with their moms. I don't usually or never talk to him about how i feel about something or things i want. When i talk to him, i just listen,comment,nod and try to do whatever he wants me to. It's like a stranger talk, and i want t stop them. I'm changing dad, i am. I'll make you proud someday. I know i take advantage of you dad, and i'm sorry, i'll make it up to you someday. You're a person that tells other to do things, you're no scared of anyone, you get things your way, and you do whatever you want to. But with your children, you're a completely different person. You're this man who loves his children and willing to do anything for them regardless of the things we do. no matter what you do, you're that greatest dad i can ask for. I'm proud to be your daughter. and i love you dad.

My sisters, how can i ever live without them. They're annnoying i tell you. VERY annoying but i love them to bits. And they fill in my loneliness and i just miss them so so much. I love you all.
I have this little brother who's actually my cousin but has been living with me since he was born. Long story. He's irritating and oblivious. He's naughty and lame but not stupid. But you know what, regardless of all those trouble he caused me, I love him and i forgive him. Because i see this boy inside of him, this boy who wants to make my parents proud, this boy who's filled with love and compassion. So brother, go for it. :)

So anyways, yesterday i encountered a little act of kindness. It was a small thing but it made me happy somehow to know that there are people unrelated to me that actually cares about me. Thank you.(:

Love and care is actually a big part in our lives. I'm talking about family love, not the boyfriend girlfriend love. That bf gf love, is quite rare really. Who doesnt want a soulmate right? everyone does, it's just that not everyone's the lucky child. But we're all born into a family, and no matter what they do and what we do, we'll always be a family. I've realised that. I don't have that richest of family and i don't have any royal blood or anything special in my family. But i'm proud to be a part of the family i'm in.(:

Such a long post, i'm gonna go rock geography tomorrow ;)
pansy.(:
jotted down by pikaidiota- on 3:17 AM